I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
