I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was born a porn star she said
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize