We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
