Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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