I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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