Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
