i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
