i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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