Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
