just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
