Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
