well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
