do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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