Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
