the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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