just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
