My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
