My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
