mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
