for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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