Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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