I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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