Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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