Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
