Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
