She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
