i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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