Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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