I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
