Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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