apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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