You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
