I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
