U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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