we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
