I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
