i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
