You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
