Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
