I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize