i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
