wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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