1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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