Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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