My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
