I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
