Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
