if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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