I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
