What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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