i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
