TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
