Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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