Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize