God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
