you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
