The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
