What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize